duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
