I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Let's get the cat blown out
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
