I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
