true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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