I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
