All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
