shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
