I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
