Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
