I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
