Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
