if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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