if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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