I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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