She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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