omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Is it penis luge time yet?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
