question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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