I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
where am i from again
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
