I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
