my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
