i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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