I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
