I skipped work to stalk him.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
