you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
