This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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