Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
