Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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