thus making me awesome and them whores
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
