She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
