so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
