How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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