My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
This toilet bowl is my home.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
