I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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