Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
