My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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