I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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