I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just high enough for therapy.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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