i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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