so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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