So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
