you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
