The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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