Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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