Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
