I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
