I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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