he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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