dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
