Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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