i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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